Friday, December 31, 2010

Dec. 31, 2010

I don't even know why I'm doing this...... I don't journal or blog or anything like that. Tried when I was younger, but it didn't really stick. I guess I've been thinking about it lately cuz somebody returned a journal at work and I found it in one of the bins. The cover was sooo smooth, I couldn't stop touching it. It was black, and something just had me thinking about it for a while. I seriously considered buying it even though I had no idea what I would do with it, so that seemed like a waste of the $5.99 plus tax that it would cost me. 

It would be a waste of money. I would have written in it tonight, I guess since I'm now writing on here instead. Then, I probably wouldn't have used it again. There's nothing in my life that I want to write down. It's not exciting. Basically every day is the same. I don't like my handwriting either. I wouldn't use it to write a story or anything. I'm not creative like that. Anything I could come up with would probably be a rip off of a bunch of other things I read, since I read a ton.

I don't do anything. I go to work, which isn't that great either. If I'm not working, I'm at home reading, watching tv, or a movie. On my days off, I sleep a lot. I probably sleep for like 12 hours. That can't be healthy, but either I'm really tired, or I just don't want to get up. I very rarely socialize outside of talking to people at work. I have a friend online that I talk to sometimes on IM, that's about it. The thing is, most of the time, I'm pretty content with not doing anything with anyone. Then other times, like now, I have an invite to do something, and I kind of want to, but for some reason I don't. It feels like too much of an effort to me to get ready and go out and almost kind of fake being happy. (People noticed it at work earlier this week, when I was pissed off about something. So, I guess I'm either normally pretty cheerful, or I'm just really good at faking it.)

I mean, I know it's not hard to get ready to go out. I just gotta grab a shower, put some gel in my hair, throw some clothes on, and maybe put a bit of make-up on (which I never do). I mean, it's freakin' New Year's Eve. I actually have plans, and I don't have to get up in the morning to work. I got invited to hang out with a guy that thinks I'm cute (I think he's kind of cute too. Plus, there hasn't been a guy interested in me in years, besides some online dating thing that I tried and then freaked when he wanted to meet me in person). That should be a big plus for me wanting to go, but for some reason, I just don't. I dunno. I guess it could be because I've been such a recluse for the last almost two years, I guess, that I'm like freaking out about going to do anything outside of my comfort zone. I don't know this guy. Apparently I know his best friend, who works with me, but I doubt I'll know anyone else there. Even though I hate being the center of attention, I don't like just sitting there not really knowing anyone and just watching everyone else talk and have a good time. I feel like an outsider.

I guess this whole blog thing started cuz I've been drinking. Not much. Just a little bit of champagne. I'm not buzzed at all or anything. Very rarely when I drink, I kind of freak out and get all weepy and stuff. Just a couple of tears, and there's no one here to completely freak out on, so I don't think I'll ruin any friendships tonight. Did that before, didn't talk to one of my really good friends for like a whole year. That was probably when I really started shutting almost everyone else out too.

Probably shouldn't be drinking when I kind of have extra stress happening in my life that would give me more cause to freak out than usual. I think that's what happened last time, I was feeling extra-stressed then too, I guess. 

Point is, I guess I'm not really happy with how my life is, but I'm almost too comfortable to want to do anything to change it, let alone know how to go about doing anything to change it. I feel trapped. I can't really doing anything about it without money, which I don't earn enough of to really even begin to save. 

I guess in order to change things, I'm just gonna have to get a positive attitude, and just do it. Make some changes. So, here are the New Year's Resolutions. I've tried this before and they're usually the same ones, so I don't have any real confidence that they'll actually work this time when they never have before.

1. Lose some weight. Start doing something active. (Gonna be hard, like it's always been, with no money. I'd like to join a gym, cuz maybe then if I was paying money, I'd actually go work out, cuz it would be a waste if I didn't. Plus, it might make me going since I'm spending money on it, even though I'll probably feel uncomfortable with how I look.)

2. Save up some money. (Pretty self explanatory.)

3. Find a better job.

4. Be more social. Hang out with people more often. Make some new friends. Maybe even find a guy to date.

5. Just figure some things out, I guess. I need to feel at least a little bit better about how my life is going. Cuz I'm really not that happy now.

There might be more later, I had another one, I thought, but I forgot it already. Maybe writing shit down might actually help me fell better, almost do a little bit now.

Although, I think I may have messed up with that guy, or he's busy doing whatever he's doing, cuz I texted him a little bit ago saying I wanted to hang out. Now, I'm not even getting a reply back. Whoops.

Well, I guess I'm done for now. We'll see how far this blog thing actually goes.....

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